PODCAST EPISODE № 60

You Teach People How to Treat You

by Anita Charlot

Listen to You Teach People How to Treat You:

Did you know that you teach people how to treat you?

This was a hard lesson for me to learn both personally and professionally. I once asked a mentally and emotionally abusive boyfriend why he treated me the way he did. His response was…

“Because you let me.”

Imagine the surprised look on my face, but he was right.

If I wanted the behavior to stop, I had to stand my ground and be willing to walk away.

While this lesson started as an eye-opening experience in personal relationships, it eventually became an integral part of my coaching practice for women, particularly Black women in corporate America.

See you on the inside…

What You Learn:

The surprising moment that taught me a hard lesson
My experience standing my ground in corporate America
Some questions to ask yourself to help gain confidence, stand your ground, or walk away
How to use your voice to stand up for yourself!

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Episode Transcript

Did you know that you teach people how to treat you?

This was a hard lesson for me to learn both personally and professionally.

I once asked a mentally and emotionally abusive boyfriend why he treated me the way he did. His response was, “Because you let me.”

Imagine the surprised look on my face, but he was right.

If I wanted the behavior to stop, I had to stand my ground and be willing to walk away.

While this lesson started as an eye-opening experience in personal relationships, it eventually became an integral part of my coaching practice for women, particularly Black women in corporate America.

See you on the inside…

~~~~~~~

As Black women, we are conditioned to overlook comments, prove our worth, and be criticized or made fun of as part of the corporate environment…

…but it’s time for that to change.

I once stayed in a role for two years longer than I should have when it became clear that I would never be promoted, receive a title change, or a substantial increase to keep my White counterparts from being upset. It was routine for me to show up to my review with a long list of accomplishments just to prove that I deserve the things being given away to my White counterparts.

And that fourth year, I was so desperate to prove my worth that I showed up to the review with an updated resume, which was my way of giving them an ultimatum. However, deep down in my spirit, I knew it would still not be enough.

So we sat down, and my two White male managers went through the motions. I, on the other hand, did the exact opposite.

I didn’t say a word.

So the next part of the conversation went like this:

“So, what do you have to say?”

“I have nothing further to add. Where do I sign?”

“What? This is the part where you tell us how much you’ve done and what you deserve!”

“I have nothing further to add, where do I sign?”

“You have nothing to say?”

I was expecting to get cursed out…

“Nothing. I’ve said all I had to say over the past four years, and your actions today have said all that I needed to hear.”

I was continuously encouraged to plead my case, speak my mind, let them have it. The more they tried to convince me, the more I realized I was simply entertainment. A dogone rerun.

He was used to being entertained by my pleading to be seen, heard, and valued, and my ex’s lesson from years ago proved true in the corporate space as well.

I was done.

Before this review, I questioned my worth and value, and I tried everything I could to be given half of the consideration of my White counterparts who didn’t do as much as I did, yet were treated differently.

After, I vowed that this would never happen again. I heard my ex-boyfriend’s voice in my head loud and clear.

Because you let them.

Well, I had found my voice and used it many times before. My silence in this instance spoke volumes. Within the next couple of months, I landed a new job, giving myself a raise that was three times the amount of my total increases in all four years of being at the company.

So my question to you today is…

What are you teaching others? What are you allowing? And isn’t it time for things to change?

Until next time.